lesson

So low.

I am not made to hurt people, even accidentally.

But obviously, like other humans, I am capable of it.
It is a horrible lesson to learn.

I know that I am moreso made to Love.

I did not like any of it. I did not want any of it. Nothing was real.
It was the alcohol. It was the genetic chemical allergy that I try to ignore, that I attempt to manage. Mind altering, temporary insanity.

And because I did something that revealed my imperfection, and because I am an honest
person, I have caused the greatest loss of my life.

My life, the best life I've had, is over.

I want him to believe me, to believe in me, to believe in us, to stay with me.
To stay with us. Everything between us is, and has been, truth and love. That is not over.
That is not gone.

I have never lied and I have never pretended. I have always been true. I love him so much.

The wind is cold in the slipping sun.

My stomach and eyes and heart are so heavy. It find it hard to speak.

Cried four times today already, students and the curious eyes of others be damned.

Give me another chance. Please.

This occurrence has revealed just how close I actually was to slipping off the edge from feeling okay to feeling completely horrible.

I do not realize how a day of sunshine turned into a grim darkness.  A haunting by a chemical nightmare and the stupid actions that resulted.

I cannot erase but can move past.

 

I have to be okay.

I have to believe in Love.